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Monday, 22 December 2014

EYES TESTED

I went to the optician,
For my eyes were all a-blur,
He tested me on the letters chart
And I failed with a sigh and a grrrr.

“How bad is it?” I asked.
“My sight was always clear.”
He looked at me and shook his head:
“Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.”

“Sometimes getting older,
Eyeballs fade and lose their gleam,
And it’s glasses or contact lenses
Or that worrying laser beam.

“No choice if you want to read,
No choice if you want to write, 
No choice if you want to watch TV,
Or drive all through the night. 

“No choice if you want to avoid
Slips and trips and falls,
Bumping into furniture
Or bouncing off the walls.

“So, here’s my diagnosis,
For eyes once so amazing,
Your peepers need the strongest specs,
Complete with double-glazing.”

Saturday, 20 December 2014

TELLY ADD HICS


Christmas on the telly
Chock full of festive stuff,
Eyeball indigestion,
Some sparkle and some duff. 

Special this and special that
Recorded last July,
Bits of plastic holly
And a snowy FX sky. 

Ancient classic movies
In flaky black and white,
Conveyor belts of showbiz dross
All through the day and night.  

Cartoons by the hundreds,
Game shows by the score,
Showbiz moves to overdrive
To see we don’t get bored. 

But alas when all the watching’s done
And we’re all drinking cocoas,
All eyeballs in the universe
Will be out of blinking focus.

Friday, 19 December 2014

SSSSHHHH


At the MI5 Christmas party,
to no one's shock or surprise,
lots and lots and lots and lots
of mince pies in disguise.


A reviewer on Amazon:
"Only Yules and Verses is one of those special little books that you happen upon serendipitously. I have read authors' blurbs before extolling the mirth to be found in THEIR book only to buy the book and be severely disappointed. What an unexpected joy, therefore, to pick up this little gem and read it to the end with smiles, a few laughs out loud and some headshakes at the ingenuity of Joe Cushnan. I thoroughly enjoyed this and wholeheartedly recommend it to everyone. P.S. I am not a friend or family member of the author, but how I wish I were!"





Only Yules & Verses available now in paperback from http://www.feedaread.com/ and on KIndle from http://www.amazon.co.uk/Only-Yules-Verses-Joe-Cushnan-ebook/dp/B00HFX8156/ref=sr_1_7?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1418054625&sr=1-7&keywords=Joe+Cushnan


Contents:

Day One
Miss L Toe
Hannibal Lector's Christmas
Jingle Tills
Christmas Queue
Customers' Carol
Carol Singer, The Carol Singer
Turkey Trot
Rain Dear
All Presents And Incorrect
Grumpy Old Yule
Tell Add Hics
The Postman Always Rings
Christmas Crib Outside St Teresa's Church
Hijackers
Celebrity Books At Christmas
Christmas Crush Fears In Oxford Street
Sage And Onions
Ho-Ho-Hosiery
Christmas Shopping
Mooey
Sssshhhh
Christmas Alphabet
Grrrrristmas
Window Dresser
12 Days
Snow Poem
Deer, Deer
Starring Santa
Yuletide Decoration
Curly Christmas
You're A Card
Myrrh Grrrrr
Red Christmas Card
Blurry Christmas
Santa Claus/Claws
Not So Silent Night 1
Not So Silent Night 2
No Way
The Little Drummer Boy
Rudolph The Blue-Nosed Reindeer
Santa In The Garden
Strictly Christnas
Wenceslas Weather
Christmas Gaga
Hit The Deck
Snowmen Ice-Cream Cone
Nosey
Joy

Jokes section

Thursday, 18 December 2014

THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY



The little drummer boy
Who featured in a song
From 1958
Has had to move along.

He was handy with the drum,
Even handier with the sticks,
But all that drumming took its toll
And he’s retired at sixty-six.

A reviewer on Amazon:


"Only Yules and Verses is one of those special little books that you happen upon serendipitously. I have read authors' blurbs before extolling the mirth to be found in THEIR book only to buy the book and be severely disappointed. What an unexpected joy, therefore, to pick up this little gem and read it to the end with smiles, a few laughs out loud and some headshakes at the ingenuity of Joe Cushnan. I thoroughly enjoyed this and wholeheartedly recommend it to everyone. P.S. I am not a friend or family member of the author, but how I wish I were!"





Only Yules & Verses available now in paperback from http://www.feedaread.com/ and on KIndle from http://www.amazon.co.uk/Only-Yules-Verses-Joe-Cushnan-ebook/dp/B00HFX8156/ref=sr_1_7?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1418054625&sr=1-7&keywords=Joe+Cushnan


Contents:

Day One
Miss L Toe
Hannibal Lector's Christmas
Jingle Tills
Christmas Queue
Customers' Carol
Carol Singer, The Carol Singer
Turkey Trot
Rain Dear
All Presents And Incorrect
Grumpy Old Yule
Tell Add Hics
The Postman Always Rings
Christmas Crib Outside St Teresa's Church
Hijackers
Celebrity Books At Christmas
Christmas Crush Fears In Oxford Street
Sage And Onions
Ho-Ho-Hosiery
Christmas Shopping
Mooey
Sssshhhh
Christmas Alphabet
Grrrrristmas
Window Dresser
12 Days
Snow Poem
Deer, Deer
Starring Santa
Yuletide Decoration
Curly Christmas
You're A Card
Myrrh Grrrrr
Red Christmas Card
Blurry Christmas
Santa Claus/Claws
Not So Silent Night 1
Not So Silent Night 2
No Way
The Little Drummer Boy
Rudolph The Blue-Nosed Reindeer
Santa In The Garden
Strictly Christnas
Wenceslas Weather
Christmas Gaga
Hit The Deck
Snowmen Ice-Cream Cone
Nosey
Joy

Jokes section

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

OH DEAR (AUNTIE FLOSSIE)


Oh dear, what can the matter be,
Aunty Flossie got stuck up an apple tree,
How she got stuck is a bit of a mystery
But the fire brigade’s on it’s way.

The firemen arrived, stifling their giggles
At Auntie Flossie’s teetering wriggles,
Drawing a plan with notes and squiggles,
To get the poor lady down.

To cut the tale short, Auntie was able
To get down on a winch and a strong metal cable,
Shaken and stirred but otherwise stable,
Her tree-climbing days no more.

Fun With Words, Fun With Rhyme

I love poetry. Sometimes I don’t understand it but other times I get it, learn from it, am entertained by it and, occasionally and wonderfully, I laugh out loud at it. This book is called Fun With Words, Fun With Rhyme and, apart from sharing some new funny poems, I want it to be a book of encouragement to promote a lifelong love of books, bookshops and libraries. The poems can be read quietly or performed by and to enthusiastic, interactive audiences. There are those who, for whatever reason, have the ability but have not had the active encouragement to come back to the language and give it a great big hug. We can all do it. We can all write poems. We can be serious or funny, serious and funny, whatever we want to be. Our poems don’t have to be literary masterpieces, don’t have to be hifalutin, Nobel Prize nuggets of genius – although, if they are, good for us. The joy is in having a go, playing with words, playing with rhyme…..and having fun. Start with “the fat cat sat on the mat” or wherever you like. But, have a go. Like my old friend John, tear poems out of newspapers and magazines. Keep them in your pockets to read later or to give to others. Read poems out loud whenever you can to poetry groups, school classes, at parties – to yourself!
ISBN: 9781784079581
Total Pages: 101
Published: 12 August 2014
Price: £5.99

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

OH, CHILDREN

Children. Easy targets for fuckwits with guns,
killing sisters, brothers, daughters, sons.
School. A refuge of understanding, a learning place,
moulding the young as part of the human race.
We're all in the squint of a sniper's eye,
who gives a shit about who, what or why?
They get up, get ready and go to class,
only concern is to fail or to pass.
They assume they'll be home when the bell rings,
safe in the comfort of domestic things.
Children, with all that tomorrow holds,
Scream and run as the terror unfolds.
We failed to protect you all from attack,
oh, children, we can never get you back.



Monday, 15 December 2014

WE WUZ ROBBED (AWARDS SHOWS)

Will it be flat cider or champagne fizz
when the presenter says: "The winner is...."?
Will it be tears of joy or tears of woe
on yet another hyped up TV show?
Will it be handshake, hug and kiss sincere,
brave face, stiff upper lip or inner sneer?
Will it be scandal or celebration,
choice of the phone-paying voting nation?
Will it be conspiracy theory stuff,
shenanigans and chicanery guff?

We held our breath until we all turned blue,
as fingers fumbled with the envelope glue.


Will it be flat cider or champagne fizz
when the presenter says: "The winner is...."?


The winners side cheered while the losers sobbed,
"Congratulations" versus "We wuz robbed".