Total Pageviews

Thursday, 20 November 2014

12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (SINISTER VERSION)


This is an alternative take on the 12 days of Christmas from my book Only Yules & Verses (available here - http://www.feedaread.com/ ........sing along kids........





12 DAYS

On the first day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me, 

A matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 



On the second day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me,

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the third day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me,

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 

 

On the fourth day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me,

Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the fifth day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me, 

Five ladybirds,
Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 
 

On the sixth day of Christmas, 
A joker sent to me, 

Six bees a-buzzing, 

Five ladybirds,
Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the seventh day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me, 

Seven hornets humming, 

Six bees a-buzzing, 

Five ladybirds,
Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the eighth day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me, 

Eight dragonflies, 

Seven hornets humming, 

Six bees a-buzzing, 

Five ladybirds,
Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the ninth day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me, 

Nine caterpillars, 

Eight dragonflies, 

Seven hornets humming, 

Six bees a-buzzing, 

Five ladybirds,
Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the tenth day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me, 

Ten beetles beetling, 

Nine caterpillars, 

Eight dragonflies, 

Seven hornets humming, 

Six bees a-buzzing, 

Five ladybirds,
Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me, 

Eleven crickets clicking
Ten beetles beetling, 

Nine caterpillars, 

Eight dragonflies, 

Seven hornets humming, 

Six bees a-buzzing, 

Five ladybirds,
Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the twelfth day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me,

Twelve wasps a-stinging, 

Eleven crickets clicking, 
Ten beetles beetling, 

Nine caterpillars, 

Eight dragonflies, 

Seven hornets humming, 

Six bees a-buzzing, 

Five ladybirds,
Four willy-worms, 

Three creepy-crawlies, 

Two wriggly spiders, 

And a matchbox
with a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the thirteenth day of Christmas,
Of  these “gifts” I’d had my fill,
So I grabbed the phone and made a call
To pest* controllers….. Rentokil.

*And that includes the joker!

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

COLD CALLERS

Cold callers,  script-readers on the phone line,
"Allo, mate" the usual opening blurt,
From a geezer-sounding pipsqueak of a squirt.
Chumminess and sales patter both combine
To raise my hackles and to boil the blood -
Double-glazing, new driveway, roof repairs,
Insurance, pensions, random questionnaires -
Just snake-oil blether, full of crap and crud.
They want money, think I'm an easy touch,
Out for the vulnerable gal or chap,
The weakling, the patsy, the eventual sap,
To sign a contract for such and such.
The reaction to all this crap and crud?
Just slam the phone down with a thud.


Tuesday, 18 November 2014

JUNK-JOCKEYS

Opinions, the floodgates are open wide,
So many channels to share what we think,
Our thoughts and ideas worldwide in a blink,
Junk-jockeys on the social media ride.
We joke, we criticise, insult and chide,
Ether-pals keen for "friends", to interlink,
To be part of something, to be in sync,
To expose ourselves willingly, wide-eyed.
We sign-up, give part of ourselves away,
We tweet for serious intent or fun,
We might get through unscathed or rue the day,
Or not give a damn when all is said and done.
Opinions are like arseholes anyway,
A fact of life - everybody's got one.

Monday, 17 November 2014

GOOD NEWS - ROCKING HORSE MANURE

Good news, shunted aside, outweighed by bad,
On TV, on radio and in print,
Try to spot the positives, eyes a-squint,
Trying to find the upbeat drives you mad.
Obsession with the bleak, the vile, the sad,
Squeezing out any trace, the slightest hint,
Not much sign of sparkle, shine or glint,
Instead the tainted lustre of the cad,
The faces of murderers and the crooks,
Their evil piercing eyes chilling the spine,
Hogging the main headlines with pithy hooks.
So much bad and ugly news to endure
Good news is rare as rocking horse manure.

Friday, 14 November 2014

WEATHER BLETHER


BLOWY

The howls, the gusts,
The hedgerow sways,
The tree bends,
The honest truth
That nature sends.....
Strong winds and umbrellas
Are not the best of friends.......

......and they're not too fond
Of fence panels either!


WEATHER BLETHER

Whether or not the weather is nice,
Sunny and hot or cold as ice,
Whether or not the weather is nasty,
Windy and wet and just plain ghastly,
Whether the weather is whatever it is,
We can look out the window and see what we see,
Or we can weather the blether of the weather forecasters, 
blethering about weather on TV.

Thursday, 13 November 2014

'TIS THE SEASON FOR CHRISTMAS TV ADS

'Tis the season for Christmas ads TV,
Time to roll out the cliches once again,
Goodwill to all children, women and men,
Ho, ho, ho and sentimentality.
Tables laden with tons and tons of food,
Lots of people clinking glasses: "Cheers",
John Lewis tugging heartstrings, maybe tears
As boy with penguin gets us in the mood.
Jingly bells and tinsel set the scene,
Trying for that warm pre-festive swoon,
Our eyes and ears tingle as the screen
Reminds us yer man Santa's coming soon,
But remember, lest business thinks we're green,
These ads were filmed in the middle of June.


Wednesday, 12 November 2014

MANNERS

People, whatever happened to manners,
Holding doors open, saying "after you",
A little patient courtesy will do,
Instead the thoughtless rude act like spanners,
Oh Lord, whatever happened to manners?
Just a "thank you", "please", a "how do you do",
Genuine and sincere, no ballyhoo,
No trumpets, no bunting, flags or banners.
Some of us barge through life without a care,
We have this desperate urge to save time,
Rushing, running, nay sprinting, here and there,
Treating life as a selfish pantomime.
O etiquette, a dash more savoir-faire,
To mind our manners, to mend this disrepair.