CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

Christmas shopping,

Christmas shopping,

Really makes me dizzy.

Why can’t Christmas

Be in June

When the shops aren’t quite so busy?

A YOUNG MAN DIES

A young man dies and we gather to grieve,
Attempt an answer to the question why,
Summon the composure to say goodbye,
Confused and confounded he had to leave.
Up to the moment, that second of fate,
Good years past but the best ahead,
Of the end not a hint, a trace, a shred,
That impatient cruelty would not wait.
If fortune smiles we grow up and we learn,
We gain wisdom, wit and experience,
Have a chance of success's radiance,
Have hope we survive each twist and turn.
We assemble to mourn a young man's death,
To remember him - first cry to last breath.

GOVERNMENT SKINT UNTIL.....

Department for Business, Innovation and Skills,
Too expensive,
No money.

Department for Communities and Local Government,

Too expensive,

No money.

Department for Culture, Media and Sport,

Too expensive,

No money.

Department for Education,

Too expensive,

No money.

Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs

Too expensive,

No money.

Department for International Development,

Too expensive,

No money.

Department for Transport,

Too expensive,

No money.

Department for Work and Pensions,

Too expensive,

No money.

Department for Energy and Climate Change,

Too expensive,

No money.

Department for Health,

Too expensive,

No money.

Foreign and Commonwealth Office,

Too expensive,

No money.

Home Office,

Too expensive,

No money.

Ministry of Justice,

Too expensive,

No money.

Northern Ireland Office,

Too expensive,

No money.

Scotland Office,

Too expensive,

No money.

Wales Office,

Too expensive,

No money.

Office of the Leader of the House of Commons,

Too expensive,

No money.

Office of the Leader of the House of Lords,

Too expensive,

No money.

Ministry of Defence,

Richer than the rest,

Ta-da!

Bottomless war chest.

THERESA MIGHT, THERESA MAY

Here's a repeat of my June 2012 poem Theresa Might, Theresa May......

Details of internet use in the UK will have to be stored for a year to allow police and intelligence services to access it, under government plans. Records will include people's activity on social network sites, webmail, internet phone calls and online gaming.  Home Secretary Theresa May said the change was needed to keep up with how criminals were using new technology. (Reported 14 June 2012)

Theresa Might, Theresa May,
any moment, any day,
will have the snooping powers to
see what we all say and view.

Theresa May, Theresa Might,
have her own satellite
to hear who we are talking too,
to spy on things we like to do.

Theresa Might, Theresa May,
privacy has had its day,
freedom's gained a ball and chain,
in authority's clamping down campaign.

Theresa May, Theresa Might,
talking sense or talking shite,
how'd she handle protest hits
from fifty million texting Brits?

Theresa Might, Theresa May,
says change is needed to block the way
of each criminal gang and terrorist cell -
sledgehammer/nut, who can tell?

UNDER THE PRETENCE OF FREEDOM

Under the pretence of freedom,
a few control the many,
keeping tensions heightened,
keeping us all frightened.

They agitate, alarm, appal,
brow beat, bully, chill,
daunt, deter, dismay,
harrow, haunt, horrify,
intimidate, oppress, overawe,
panic, perturb, rattle,
spy, snoop, sneak,
scare, shake, stun,
terrify, terrorise, threaten,
torment, unnerve and keep us on the run.

Under the pretence of freedom,

a few control the many,

keeping tensions heightened,

keeping us all frightened.

12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (SINISTER VERSION)

This is an alternative take on the 12 days of Christmas from my book Only Yules & Verses (available here - http://www.feedaread.com/ ........sing along kids........

12 DAYS

On the first day of Christmas, 


A joker sent to me, 


A matchbox

With a hyperactive flea. 



On the second day of Christmas, 


A joker sent to me,


Two wriggly spiders, 


And a matchbox

With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the third day of Christmas, 


A joker sent to me,


Three creepy-crawlies, 


Two wriggly spiders, 


And a matchbox

With a hyperactive flea. 

 

 

On the fourth day of Christmas, 


A joker sent to me,


Four willy-worms, 


Three creepy-crawlies, 


Two wriggly spiders, 


And a matchbox

With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the fifth day of Christmas, 


A joker sent to me, 


Five ladybirds,

Four willy-worms, 


Three creepy-crawlies, 


Two wriggly spiders, 


And a matchbox

With a hyperactive flea. 

 
 

On the sixth day of Christmas, 

A joker sent to me, 


Six bees a-buzzing, 


Five ladybirds,

Four willy-worms, 


Three creepy-crawlies, 


Two wriggly spiders, 


And a matchbox

With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the seventh day of Christmas, 


A joker sent to me, 


Seven hornets humming, 


Six bees a-buzzing, 


Five ladybirds,

Four willy-worms, 


Three creepy-crawlies, 


Two wriggly spiders, 


And a matchbox

With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the eighth day of Christmas, 


A joker sent to me, 


Eight dragonflies, 


Seven hornets humming, 


Six bees a-buzzing, 


Five ladybirds,

Four willy-worms, 


Three creepy-crawlies, 


Two wriggly spiders, 


And a matchbox

With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the ninth day of Christmas, 


A joker sent to me, 


Nine caterpillars, 


Eight dragonflies, 


Seven hornets humming, 


Six bees a-buzzing, 


Five ladybirds,

Four willy-worms, 


Three creepy-crawlies, 


Two wriggly spiders, 


And a matchbox

With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the tenth day of Christmas, 


A joker sent to me, 


Ten beetles beetling, 


Nine caterpillars, 


Eight dragonflies, 


Seven hornets humming, 


Six bees a-buzzing, 


Five ladybirds,

Four willy-worms, 


Three creepy-crawlies, 


Two wriggly spiders, 


And a matchbox

With a hyperactive flea. 

 

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas, 


A joker sent to me, 


Eleven crickets clicking

Ten beetles beetling, 


Nine caterpillars, 


Eight dragonflies, 


Seven hornets humming, 


Six bees a-buzzing, 


Five ladybirds,

Four willy-worms, 


Three creepy-crawlies, 


Two wriggly spiders, 


And a matchbox

With a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the twelfth day of Christmas, 


A joker sent to me,


Twelve wasps a-stinging, 


Eleven crickets clicking, 

Ten beetles beetling, 


Nine caterpillars, 


Eight dragonflies, 


Seven hornets humming, 


Six bees a-buzzing, 


Five ladybirds,

Four willy-worms, 


Three creepy-crawlies, 


Two wriggly spiders, 


And a matchbox

with a hyperactive flea. 

 



On the thirteenth day of Christmas,

Of  these “gifts” I’d had my fill,

So I grabbed the phone and made a call

To pest* controllers….. Rentokil.

*And that includes the joker!

COLD CALLERS

Cold callers,  script-readers on the phone line,
"Allo, mate" the usual opening blurt,
From a geezer-sounding pipsqueak of a squirt.
Chumminess and sales patter both combine
To raise my hackles and to boil the blood -
Double-glazing, new driveway, roof repairs,
Insurance, pensions, random questionnaires -
Just snake-oil blether, full of crap and crud.
They want money, think I'm an easy touch,
Out for the vulnerable gal or chap,
The weakling, the patsy, the eventual sap,
To sign a contract for such and such.
The reaction to all this crap and crud?
Just slam the phone down with a thud.

GOOD NEWS - ROCKING HORSE MANURE

Good news, shunted aside, outweighed by bad,
On TV, on radio and in print,
Try to spot the positives, eyes a-squint,
Trying to find the upbeat drives you mad.
Obsession with the bleak, the vile, the sad,
Squeezing out any trace, the slightest hint,
Not much sign of sparkle, shine or glint,
Instead the tainted lustre of the cad,
The faces of murderers and the crooks,
Their evil piercing eyes chilling the spine,
Hogging the main headlines with pithy hooks.
So much bad and ugly news to endure
Good news is rare as rocking horse manure.

WEATHER BLETHER

BLOWY

The howls, the gusts,

The hedgerow sways,

The tree bends,

The honest truth

That nature sends.....

Strong winds and umbrellas

Are not the best of friends.......

......and they're not too fond

Of fence panels either!

WEATHER BLETHER

Whether or not the weather is nice,

Sunny and hot or cold as ice,

Whether or not the weather is nasty,

Windy and wet and just plain ghastly,

Whether the weather is whatever it is,

We can look out the window and see what we see,

Or we can weather the blether of the weather forecasters, 

blethering about weather on TV.

'TIS THE SEASON FOR CHRISTMAS TV ADS

'Tis the season for Christmas ads TV,
Time to roll out the cliches once again,
Goodwill to all children, women and men,
Ho, ho, ho and sentimentality.
Tables laden with tons and tons of food,
Lots of people clinking glasses: "Cheers",
John Lewis tugging heartstrings, maybe tears
As boy with penguin gets us in the mood.
Jingly bells and tinsel set the scene,
Trying for that warm pre-festive swoon,
Our eyes and ears tingle as the screen
Reminds us yer man Santa's coming soon,
But remember, lest business thinks we're green,
These ads were filmed in the middle of June.

MICK JAGGER'S CHATEAU

The old potter told us
that Mick Jagger's chateau
was not far away,

so we drove towards
Poce sur Cisse in the hope
that we would find it.

We think we did,
squinting through some snatches
of space in a high, thick hedge,

a magnificent white building,
majestic entrance steps,
immaculately tended gardens.

But, alas, in our vain search
for a glimpse or two
of rock star action,

we failed to spot Mick
and we didn't get
no satisfaction.

1967 ROCK 'N' ROLL BAND (LENNON, McCARTNEY, JAGGER, RICHARDS & GIBB)

We would gather

at the coal shed,

three of us, Sunday evenings,

with an out of tune guitar,

a battered cardboard box

and knitting needles for drums,

to sing and play

the hits of the day.

1967,

we were the Beatles,

the Rolling Stones,

the Bee Gees,

we were rubbish,

cack-handed, impromptu, ad-lib

but we were happy in our dreams

to be Lennon, McCartney,

Jagger, Richards and Gibb.

3 WEE POEMS

Buy the book here: http://www.feedaread.com/books/Fun-With-Words-Fun-With-Rhyme-9781784079581.aspx 

FOR A CHANGE

The laugh,

The chuckle,

The guffaw,

The smirk,

The smile,

The grin

Decided for a change

To have a miserable night in.

LOSER

Bought a ticket for the Lottery,

It lost, so what have I gottery,

Er, not a lottery!

BEAR

A polar bear has furry hair

Or else he’d be a polar bare.

CUDDLY CAT POEMS X 4

1

FEE LINE

The day the cat

swallowed cash

was not a cause for pity

for after all

the end result

was money in the kitty

2

FELINE SORE

A cat chap

had a mishap

with a cat flap

due to back slap

3 

KNIT CAT

Our cat married a ball of wool

because he was totally smitten

and very soon 

they were blessed

by the birth of a newborn mitten

4

PURRFECT

Intelligent cat,

meticulous cat,

when she was writing a letter

would work at the language

and aim for perfection, 

so she would get better and better.

Other cats sneered, 

insulted, derided

and call her a swot and a wuss,

but intelligent cat

stayed calm for she was

content as a grammar puss.

NOT ALL

Not all soldiers are heroes,
Not all enemies are evil,
Not all devils are god,
Not all gods are devil,
Not all we hear is true,
Not all we see is clear,
Not all we feel is threat,
Not all we sense is fear.

Not all.
But most.